yumyumcha

Be-eat-it or not.

Dining in an expensive restaurant with clients sitting across from me makes me nervous. Afterall, what the hell am I doing here since I'm usually behind a pass code secured door, a cubicle and for all intents and purposes, a thick curtain. I mean really, does nike know which sweat shop labor employee actually got paid a nickle to sew the swoosh on their limited edition mr. cartoon air force 1's. I doubt it. But the lead authenticator watches out over me and I sometimes find myself trying to remember which is the salad fork and which is the soup spoon. However, everyone has a role to play in such events. As we looked over the fancy menu, I leaned over to another authenticator, my cousin, to tell him of my reservations for the night. He talks to our lead and whispers back to me, "he says you have the green light". I nod. The waiter came by to take our order, I say to him, "I'll have the 49 oz porterhouse please. Medium rare".

"Hes a machine...oh my god, thats gross...he looks pretty confidant...no...he's slowing down...his jaw must be like a snake and detaches". But zack says to me, "don't listen to them poon. Just focus!". Eating almost 3 lbs of meat isn't an easy task but with strangers staring, 20 to 1 odds on the line and a sense of cow pride, I was determined and I was prepared. So you want to eat a lot of meat too. Here's some tips.

. eat fast. When you diet, they tell you to eat slow so you fill up faster. Eating fast is the opposite - you have to load your stomach up faster than the message from your stomach to your head that says "idiot. danger. idiot. danger. theres a lot of crazy shit filling up in here".

. devour as much you can swallow at once. For some particular reason, one of my attributes is having a firm throat. If I was gay, I'd be very popular. As it is, I am not.

. avoid all appetizers, bread and beverages. That part kind of sucks because you don't really get to enjoy the entire meal.

. eat a lot of leafy and fiber friendy vegetables the night before. Your body needs to excrevate as much as possible for the new neighbors.

. eat almost nothing for the day. I had a small bag of chocolate covered cashews (which might have been overdoing it) and a soda.

At one point of the meal, I started to worry. As I got closer to the bone, the meat was getting exceptionally rare. Too bloody rare to cut with my knife. I sent it back to get it recooked but the delay could be detrimental to my, as jack burton would say, "crackerjack timing". That just might be enough time for my stomach to revolt. But fortunately, it only took a couple of minutes and I was back in action. As I neared the end, there seem to be a little bit of meat left. But I didn't want any "give mes" or doubters at the table. So I grabbed the whole god damn steak and started gnawing on it. So much for decorum. Eventually, the waiter came by and declared a winner. And I'll get my name on a little plaque on the restaurant wall. The clients looked in bewilderment. Me, I wasn't feeling anything. Well maybe a little full but at least, no longer nervous.

Posted by yumyumcha at September 11, 2005 09:41 PM